It was love that broke my sorrow, like a day breaks a long light.
– Motel, Caitlin Canty
For those who know me, John O’Donohue is a name you’ve likely heard often. He’s become a constant presence in my life, even the reason behind my exploration of Ireland’s wild beauty.
This profound connection began when a former colleague, during a moment that would redefine my understanding of relationships (foreshadowed perhaps by his peculiar habit of pouring milk on nachos!), introduced me to Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom. My search for this book spanned across Japan and culminated in finding a cherished copy in my favorite secondhand bookstore back in Fremantle.
“Anam Cara” is derived from old Irish Gaelic, where ‘anam’ translates to soul and ‘cara’ to friend. As I delved into John’s eloquent exploration of friendship and spiritual insight, I was instantly captivated. It felt as though he knew me intimately, a stranger who understood the depths of my being.
I urge you to listen to John O’Donohue’s illuminating conversation, The Inner Landscape of Beauty, recorded with Krista Tippett of On Being shortly before his passing in 2008. I’ve returned to it countless times, always moved by his profound words and the enchanting cadence of his Clare accent. A rare video interview also offers a glimpse into the brilliance of John O’Donohue firsthand.
Beyond being a philosopher and poet, John O’Donohue was also a former Catholic priest, a scholar of the 14th-century mystic Meister Eckhart (fluent in German), and a close friend of David Whyte. (My admiration for David Whyte is well-documented here). John’s untimely death at 52 is a loss still deeply felt, as I’ve witnessed during my travels in Ireland.
My affinity for Irish culture began in my twenties with its mesmerizing music. My final university essay explored a Damien Rice song, and Glen Hansard provided solace during a difficult period in New York (have you seen the film Once?). It wasn’t until 2020, while researching Van Morrison, that I realized he was still alive. Now, an evening in a cozy Irish pub, immersed in a traditional music session, is among my favorite experiences.
My recent pilgrimage to Ireland led me to the moss-laden forests and sacred sites of County Clare, John O’Donohue’s beloved Burren. My primary intention was to connect more deeply with his writings.
Anam Cara: Two friends sharing a heartfelt embrace in nature, embodying the deep connection of soul friendship as described by John O'Donohue.
Unveiling the Essence of Anam Cara: What is a Soul Friend?
This question has resonated with me for a considerable time: What truly defines an anam cara?
In essence, a soul friend is a vibrational match, a kindred spirit.
A steadfast, reliable friend.
Someone with whom you can share everything, even the parts you conceal from yourself.
They are privy to your joys and sorrows, your vulnerabilities, and they hold these with profound tenderness.
This is the person who shares your excitement, offers solace in tears, and joins you in unrestrained laughter over life’s absurdities.
An anam cara is a sanctuary, making you feel secure and understood in a sometimes bewildering world.
And importantly, they are a source of joy. Joy is paramount.
The defining characteristic of an anam cara is the freedom to be your authentic self in their presence. This person might vary across different phases of life. The constant is that a soul friend has journeyed through life alongside you and remains present, either physically or in spirit, often both.
It is in the shelter of each other that the people live. — Irish proverb
An anam cara connection either exists or it doesn’t, though experiences can sometimes blur the lines. Someone might embody the role of an anam cara for a specific chapter of your life, but the essence of a true soul friend is timeless, much like the soul itself.
The Gift of Anam Cara in My Life
I am profoundly fortunate to recognize several friends as my anam cara.
Conversely, I’ve also realized that some friendships, once perceived as anam cara relationships, do not hold that depth. We remain friends, yet not soul friends. The crucial distinction, in my understanding, lies in this: an anam cara is someone with whom you can:
Communicate without self-censorship, free from the fear of misstep.
This realization has been transformative in my life.
One such anam cara is my cherished friend Tiff, who speaks the language of my soul. Being with her brings an innate sense of ease, and we genuinely celebrate each other’s lives. She is a sanctuary for my spirit, an embodiment of kindness beyond measure. If I could, I would gift a “Tiff” to everyone I know.
In his writings on friendship, John O’Donohue beautifully articulates: “With the anam cara, you could share your innermost self, your mind and your heart. You are joined in an ancient and eternal way. This belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship. You are understood as you are without mask or pretension. The superficial and functional lies and half-truths of acquaintance fall away. You can be as you really are.”
The superficial and functional lies and half-truths of acquaintance fall away.
This line resonates deeply.
Simply put, an anam cara is your soul’s friend, someone in whose presence you feel utterly yourself.
When you really feel understood, you feel free. — John O’Donohue
Reflecting on Anam Cara in Your Own Life
Can you identify such a person in your own life?
A verse from a Ben Howard song perfectly captures this sentiment:
I saw a friend of mine the other day
And he told me that my eyes were gleaming
I said I had been away
And he knew, oh, he knew the depths I was meaning
It felt so good to see his face
The comfort invested in my soul
To feel the warmth of his smile
When he said ‘I’m happy to have you home’
This is the friend who simply knows you.
One who nourishes your spirit.
Who fills your heart with belonging.
The first person you want to share both exhilarating news and devastating disappointments with.
I often ponder:
Where would we truly be without our friends?
Who would we become?
During times of personal brokenness, it was my friends who pieced me back together.
Loyal and devoted friends who stand by you through life’s peaks and valleys. And life inevitably brings both.
The Conscious Choice of Friendship
The beauty of friendship lies in its voluntary nature. You are not obligated to be friends with anyone. While often unspoken, many friendships naturally evolve through seasons or conclude for valid reasons. True friendship is a profound privilege in this life; it’s essential not to waste it on relationships that don’t serve you.
There are times I might mentally respond to a friend’s message but fail to reply, or belatedly realize I’ve missed a birthday, or cancel plans for much-needed rest. True friends understand. My friends patiently endured my constant refrain of “I’m tired, I’m exhausted” for months before my departure for Ireland. I was overworked and weary of my own complaints. (A crucial aside: be mindful of when you become tiresome).
David Whyte’s insightful wisdom resonates deeply: ‘All friendships of any length are based on continued, mutual forgiveness. Without tolerance and mercy, all friendships die.’ This is a lesson I continually learn. Often, one person subtly offers more emotional support at different times, like nurturing a plant, and this is reciprocated in turn.
Through the lens of anam cara friendships, forgiveness becomes readily available when the desire to maintain the bond is genuine. In less profound friendships, minor offenses can become convenient exits. This has been my experience and that of friends, sometimes indicating a natural conclusion to the connection.
Whatever comes, the great sacrament of life will remain faithful to us, blessing us always with visible signs of invisible grace. We merely need to trust. — John O’Donohue
Anam cara is characterized by the ease and joy that define your connection.
An anam cara relationship is resilient, always finding its way back.
Because anam cara transcends mere friendship; it is soul recognition.
The Historical Roots of Anam Cara and Pelagius
Let’s delve into history with Pelagius, a monk from Wales, the first recorded writer in the Celtic world (Celts, until the second century, relied on oral tradition, worshipping nature in forests and mountains as their ‘church’). Pelagius’ story is quite a journey. Despite good intentions, he faced criticism, excommunication for his teachings, an imperial ban from the Roman empire (leading him to write under a pseudonym!), and an imperial edict prohibiting his followers within a hundred miles of Rome, then all of Italy. His ‘crime’? Preaching that sacredness is our birthright, that we cannot contain the sacred, and essentially, that we are sacred by virtue of being part of nature. The Church strongly opposed this view.
Pelagius offers the earliest historical trace of the term ‘anamchara’. In his time, it denoted an advisor, a spiritual guide. As my tea teacher, Wu De, often says, “someone who has walked further along than you”.
John O’Donohue also highlights this historical context, noting that in the early Celtic church, the anam cara served as a teacher, companion, and spiritual mentor. Originally, this was the person to whom you confessed, revealing your deepest intimacies.
The concept has evolved from a spiritual advisor to a soul friend with whom we share ‘hidden intimacies’ as equals. Through the passage of time and changing trends (remember Flat lays? The poke button? Wonderwall covers?), friendship remains a fundamental human need.
I often think, ‘Regardless of what life throws at us, we have friends.’
The Profound Impact of Anam Cara
I’ve come to realize that not everyone experiences an anam cara connection. This realization carries a profound sadness. Despite my nomadic tendencies, friendship is my anchor, guiding me through life’s journey and weathering its storms. I have known deep solitude, yet I feel my friends’ presence and love as a constant guard, even from afar.
True soul friends are unwavering.
Recently, arriving in Dublin feeling particularly downcast after a sharp rejection, my Irish anam cara Geraldine had arranged a comedy show outing with her friends. Later, at a bar, a pint of ice cream and four spoons magically appeared. There we were, dissecting every detail of the situation, gaining clarity amidst a chorus of much-needed advice, hugs, and laughter. It was a balm to a stinging wound. Processing it alone would have been overwhelming (tarot readings and Quora threads only go so far). Friends offer support in ways they may not even realize, often simply by being present.
I felt it shelter to speak to you. — Emily Dickinson
Anam Cara Beyond Human Connection
Your anam cara can also be non-human.
Nan Shephard had a lifelong anam cara relationship with the Cairngorm Mountains, which she explored daily. I visited them in Scotland this year for my birthday. In her book The Living Mountain, she beautifully expresses this intimacy: “Often the mountain gives itself most completely when I have no destination,” she wrote, “but have gone out merely to be with the mountain as one visits a friend, with no intention but to be with him.”
I’ve experienced this sudden, encompassing love in Irish nature: for the hawthorn tree, the oak leaf, and gorse – a vibrant yellow shrub that, though said to bloom in spring, I believe flowers in November just for me. My affection for sheep remains constant, as does my friendship with tea. For you, it might be a musician who speaks to your soul (hello Justin Vernon, his biography is calling), a beloved pet, or a poet. It could be a sibling or grandparent.
In The Surrender Experiment, I read, “To be there when a person is soaring high is an easy relationship. To be there during hard times requires deep friendship.”
This resonated deeply when, during a harrowing 24 hours on the Isle of Skye, I had to flee. Shaken for days, I could only think of reaching out to one friend in Australia. Dallas answered immediately, sensing my distress and even sending away a dinner guest to be fully present for me. As I recounted my experience, she wept with me. Being understood, acknowledged in the depth of that experience from across the world, was a true gift of anam cara. The next day, hiking Ben Nevis, the UK’s highest peak, I felt a renewed strength, knowing I had invisible yet very present friends supporting me.
The Essential Support System
These are the people you need on those days.
I once observed a small tugboat guiding a massive ship out to sea. Once in open water, it turned back, and I watched with admiration. This image embodies soul friends: tugging each other along.
Friendship is a form of love, often understated.
We may not always have a romantic partner, but we often have friends.
Someone for endless conversations, never exhausting topics.
Someone who understands your quirky passions, like baskets and sticks.
Someone who brings an almond chai from your favorite café when you’re unwell, waiting outside in the cold just to talk.
To believe in them. That is all we need. — Rainer Maria Rilke
John O’Donohue described the sacrament of friendship as ‘a special space that you share in the same way with no one else’.
I recall a period of deep loneliness in New York in my mid-twenties, yearning for a friend. I would have given anything for a casual coffee with someone who truly knew me. I remember walking Manhattan streets in inadequate jackets, peering into restaurants and bars at groups of friends laughing. It was a painful time, a memory that still stings. I was slowly making friends, and I could always befriend a tree, but New York lacked nature, compounding the absence of human connection.
The antidote to this loneliness is warmth – the vibrant energy an anam cara brings. Friends are our proof of life, our living archives. During that New York period, I lacked these personal historians. Books became companions, and I read Patti Smith’s M Train on the actual M train.
The Honor of Friendship
For me, calling someone ‘friend’ is a high compliment.
Friendship is a core value, permeating my life. My nurturing side finds full expression in friendship, embracing you wholly. Unlike romance, where attachment styles can create complexities, friendship feels secure and uncomplicated. My attachment style in friendship is 100% secure, an adult achievement I’m just now acknowledging. As my friend Wil observed, “You see the best in everyone,” which, while not always ideal for dating, is perfect for anam caras.
My friend Simon once recounted after a painful breakup, ‘You couldn’t pay a friend enough to endure all your anger. A therapist, yes, for an hour. But a friend who stays up 8 hours listening to the same story, for free.’ His anam cara even cancelled a holiday to support him through that dark time. A true friend is invaluable.
Cultivating Anam Cara Connections
How do you foster this level of anam cara?
You must allow yourself to be truly known.
Intimacy invites intimacy.
On a solo road trip in Western Australia, I stumbled upon a record store in Witchcliffe. Chatting with Paul, the owner, about music, his humor and Manchester accent were instantly engaging. Now, I make it a point to visit him whenever I’m in the area. He once gifted me a Kelly Clarkson CD (she has hits, okay?) and cassette tapes for my vintage player. I bring him brownies, ask hypothetical music questions, and we listen to records together.
It’s this simple: Show up. Act as a friend, and you might become one.
The Universality of Friendship
I genuinely believe friendship is possible with anyone.
When you seek nothing but companionship, it’s liberating. You can simply be a friend.
It’s empowering to remember you can and will make new friends, across generations, a prospect to embrace.
Friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives. It remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money – but an unspoken agreement of love. — Hanya Yanagihara
Writing my first book, I realize a romantic relationship could be a distraction, whereas a friend is not. A friend supports your dreams, while a romantic interest might pose a threat.
You could meet your anam cara tomorrow, or they could be someone you’ve known since childhood.
Enduring Bonds
I have friendships that have lasted longer than many marriages.
My longest, with Kylie, spans 28 years. Only she knows about our dramatic Russian oligarch video and the chaos of fitting oversized luggage on an Italian commuter train. She was also there when I received a confusing text at the end of an emotionally abusive relationship (unrecognized at the time), her presence a sheltering tree for my soul.
As I keep emphasizing, simply being there as a friend is enough. So, just be there.
As John O’Donohue writes:
When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold you might otherwise never have crossed on your own. There are times of great uncertainty in every life. Left alone at such a time, you feel dishevelment and confusion like gravity. When a friend comes with words of encouragement, a light and lightness visit you and you begin to find the stairs and the door out of the dark. The sense of encouragement you feel from the friend is not simply her words or gestures; it is rather her whole presence enfolding you and helping you find the concealed door. The encouraging presence manages to understand you and put herself in your shoes. There is no judgment but words of relief and release.
The Ease and Effort of True Friendship
True friendship feels natural and easy.
Yet, it also requires self-awareness and sensitivity to others’ needs.
Reflections on Modern Friendship
Current thoughts on friendship:
- Unreturned texts often signal overwhelm, not personal rejection.
- Avoid vague hangout invitations. Specific plans are easier to commit to and remember.
- Suggesting farmers markets, gigs, or hikes are great for initiating friendships.
- Friendship is a frequency. Some friends feel like home, others like a hostel.
- Nurture connection, don’t force it. Time together reveals chemistry, but forced vibes don’t resonate.
- Tend to friendships like plants. When traveling, schedule ‘Friendship Days’ for messages, postcards, songs, or poems inspired by friends.
- Self-awareness is key: you know when you’re being a poor friend.
- Some friendships thrive without constant contact. Magic exists in reconnecting after periods of silence.
- Friendships that make you feel small or require you to hide your true self need reflection. Their role in your life can be adjusted, even if they don’t end.
- Some friendships do conclude, a difficult truth.
Is ‘best’ friend now a reductive term? Often overused, it loses meaning when multiple people hold significance.
The friendship of musicians Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers is inspiring. “Right when I heard her start to sing, I felt like I was reuniting with an old friend,” Oberst said of their first meeting.
The Ineffable Feeling of Anam Cara
Explaining anam cara is challenging because it’s deeply felt.
It’s a breath fully exhaled.
A ‘click’ of connection.
The wide smile that appears at their thought.
It’s indefinable chemistry.
John O’Donohue writes, “A friend is a loved one who awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.”
“According to Celtic spiritual tradition, the soul shines all around your body like a luminous cloud. When you are very open appreciating and trusting with another person your two souls begin to flow together. It could be a meeting on the street, or a party or a lecture, or just a simple, banal introduction, then suddenly there is a flash of recognition and the embers of kinship glow. There is an awakening between you, a sense of ancient knowing.
This deeply felt bond with another person means you have found your anam cara. Your anam cara beholds your light and beauty, and accepts you for who truly are. When you are blessed with an anam cara, the Irish believe, you have arrived at that most sacred place – home.”
Please join me in a moment of reflection.
John O’Donohue clarifies that anam cara is often mistaken for ‘soul mate.’
If your soul mate is also your anam cara, you’ve achieved the relationship jackpot (more on that soon!).
David Whyte speaks of an intuition upon meeting a soul friend, a sense of lifelong connection. Someone who invites you beyond yourself – to give more, risk more, love more – yet feels like returning home after a long absence.
The ultimate touchstone of friendship is witness. To have walked with them and to have believed in them, and accompanied them however long or short. – David Whyte
‘Our souls are ancient friends’ is another way of saying ‘you are my anam cara.’
Anam Cara: A Feeling of Home
Your anam cara feels like home.
I remember when a friend’s mother passed, wanting to send flowers but hesitating, fearing I’d “do it wrong.” I regret not sending them. SEND THE FLOWERS.
Drop off the dhal. Offer a walk. Check in. Hug them and hold on until they release.
Friendship is in simple, repeated acts.
If you have ever gone to the woods with me, I must love you very much. – Mary Oliver
That’s the essence.
May you be blessed with an anam cara.
May you be an anam cara.
—
One of the deepest longings of the human soul is to be seen… You can never be fully visually present to yourself. The one you love, your anam cara, your soul friend, is the truest mirror to reflect your soul. The honesty and clarity of true friendship also brings out the real contour of your spirit. It is beautiful to have such a presence in your life. – John O’Donohue
