Dear Care And Feeding,
I’m a stay-at-home mom with a toddler, and finances are incredibly tight. Daycare is out of reach, and we’re struggling with rent. My in-laws, already juggling demanding jobs and two younger children, took in my pregnant sister-in-law. She works a minimum-wage job but needed childcare, so I agreed to watch her baby for $100 a week.
Twelve weeks later, she’s paid me less than $200 total. She often drops off the baby without diapers or formula and is consistently late for pickups. She ignores my calls and gets irritated when I mention the money owed. She constantly complains about how “hard” she has it. I lost it when I asked for her work schedule so I could plan, and she told me to “mind my own f-ing business.” Then, she flaunted a new tattoo on social media while still claiming to be broke.
I told the family I couldn’t watch the baby anymore, and chaos erupted. My sister-in-law ranted about losing her job. My in-laws stressed about their work schedules and childcare. Thankfully, my husband supported me, saying his sister deserved a “good hard slap” for her behavior. Now, she’s home with the baby, complaining, especially since I’ve started watching other children for pay. The relationships with my in-laws have turned icy. My mother-in-law blames me, while the younger children are miserable with their sister and the baby at home. What do we do?
—Babysitting Breakdown
Dear Breakdown,
You’re in a truly difficult situation. You are absolutely justified in standing your ground and refusing to be exploited for free childcare. However, everyone in your family is under financial strain, and your decision is adding to your in-laws’ burdens. Lost in all of this is the baby, shuffled around because everyone sees this child as an obstacle to simply getting through the day.
I’m relieved your husband supports you, though his suggested “hard slap” is a bit much. Perhaps he could mediate a solution? Maybe your in-laws could pay the $100 weekly rate you initially requested, allowing your now-successful home daycare to become a paid drop-off option for your niece (or nephew!) when your sister-in-law’s life gets overwhelming. This discussion should come from him, not you. Navigating family dynamics and childcare is a delicate balance of care and feeding, and sometimes, clear financial boundaries are necessary for healthy relationships.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 13-year-old daughter, “Sally,” regularly babysits my brother’s children, ages 3 and 8. The problem is “Tara,” their 10-year-old neighbor, who is a troublemaker. Tara enjoys provoking my daughter, disregarding house rules, and encouraging my niece to misbehave. Tara’s mother seems unconcerned.
Last weekend, while Sally was babysitting, my nephew needed a bath. Sally went upstairs, leaving her cousin watching TV. Tara came over and convinced my niece to go to the park, across a busy road she’s not allowed to cross. Sally returned to find her cousin gone, and she couldn’t leave the baby alone. She called my brother, his wife, and me, but couldn’t reach anyone. Panicked, she called the police. Police found Tara and my niece just as the adults arrived home. My sister-in-law berated my daughter for calling the police “for nothing.” My daughter was in tears when I picked her up.
I called my brother, who informed me that they and Tara’s mom agreed the girls were “traumatized” and wouldn’t be punished. They got ice cream instead. I told my brother he’d need to find a new babysitter; Sally wouldn’t return unless it was a family event. And if his wife ever yelled at my daughter again, there would be serious consequences. This caused a major family rift, as my brother and his wife often work weekends. Everyone says I’m overreacting. My daughter is hesitant to babysit now, even though she liked earning money. What should I do?
—Tara Trauma
Dear Trauma,
Your brother is wrong, and you are absolutely right. Your daughter acted responsibly in a stressful situation. While your sister-in-law’s initial upset is understandable, she should be ashamed for yelling at a 13-year-old who was genuinely frightened. They owe your daughter an apology. Perhaps then, you and Sally can decide together if she’s willing to babysit again. (If she does, ensure the doors are locked to keep “Tara the Menace” out.) In the meantime, explore other ways for Sally to earn pocket money. This situation highlights the importance of clear boundaries and responsible care and feeding of not just the children being watched, but also the young caregivers themselves.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents, in their 80s, live independently with an older, incontinent cat. He’s been urinating in their house for years, but it’s worsening; the odor is overwhelming. After a recent visit, we had to rewash all our clothes. I’m worried about potential health issues from constant high ammonia levels. I also have a mobile baby and toddler, and I’m uneasy about them being there. I’m also concerned about my parents’ ability to manage extensive cleaning as they age. My dad might consider rehoming the cat, but my mom is resistant. They have a second, non-incontinent cat. Should I push them to get rid of the old cat (he’s old, blind, and unfriendly), or is it not my place, and we should just book a hotel when we visit?
—Urinary Unpleasantness
Dear Urinary,
This problem is likely temporary, probably resolving within a year. I wouldn’t advise pushing your parents to rehome the cat. Opt for a hotel when visiting, meet them out at a park or restaurant, and prepare to offer a deep cleaning service once the cat inevitably passes on to that great litter box in the sky (which, knowing cats, he’ll probably still avoid, choosing a fluffy white cloud instead). Sometimes, care and feeding extends to our aging parents and their beloved pets, even when it presents challenges. Patience and practical solutions are often kinder than drastic measures.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My stepson is almost 16. He has ADHD, struggles with emotional regulation and executive function, and is immature for his age. His mom bought him a new phone and, against our wishes, didn’t put parental controls on it, and she doesn’t know his passcode. We disagree with this approach. In the past, we found him viewing inappropriate content online, so his old phone had parental controls. After a fight about the new phone and a family therapy session, we agreed to drop it if he took responsibility: attending drum lessons, making lunches, submitting schoolwork.
Recently, he lied. He said he was with a friend but was at his mom’s. He claimed he retook a test and did well, but he never took it. His mom has an untreated personality disorder, prioritizes appearances over reality, avoids responsibility, plays the victim, and lies frequently. We see these traits in our stepson and are trying to counter her influence (we have 50/50 custody). Honesty is paramount to us, more than grades or chores. Due to his ADHD, disagreements escalate, and his communication becomes abusive. Because of the lying and the names he called us (“effing a-holes,” “effing R-words”), we confiscated his phone. He won’t get it back unless he gives us the passcode. We told his mom the same.
He refuses to give the code to either of us. We’ve explained we don’t want parental controls again, but we don’t trust him and he’s not responsible enough for an unmonitored phone. We just want to check apps and set basic screentime limits on certain sites. We’re not concerned about porn; he’s a teen, that’s normal. We’ve discussed sex and porn. But we worry about radicalization or online gambling. We’ve read about teens who have died by suicide after nude blackmail scams. My stepson has low self-esteem and is vulnerable to negative influences.
He claims he has nothing to hide, but refuses the passcode. His resistance makes us more suspicious. He’s lost our trust, and we won’t take his word for his online behavior. He needs to face consequences for lying, and losing his phone and video games are the only things he cares about. Are we wrong to want his passcode? Is it unusual for parents to have some control over their teens’ phones? I can handle his anger, but I’d never forgive myself if something happened because we were too lenient.
—Device Drama
Dear Drama,
Whew! What a standoff! Firstly, no, you are not out of line. Most parents of teenagers I know maintain access to their children’s phones, including passcodes and parental controls. This is normal, and you should stand firm on your demand.
However, your letter, and its intensity, prompts me to discuss a related issue. I’ve noticed a trend in letters I receive: stepmothers struggling in relationships with stepchildren and the children’s mothers. Few stepmothers seem malicious; most appear lost, navigating difficult situations with surly teens, uncooperative exes, and the needs of their own children caught in the middle.
A common thread is the lack of mention of the husband’s involvement in resolving these issues. Perhaps Mr. Drama is taking the lead in the phone battle, communicating with his son and ex, and simply asked you to write in for an outside perspective. But your letter suggests otherwise. Its length, detail, panic about your stepson, disappointment with his mother, and the infrequent mention of “husband” after the first paragraph – it reads as if you are carrying this entire burden alone.
You shouldn’t. In fact, it’s healthier if you don’t. There’s a difference between being a supportive stepmom and taking the lead in family drama. By doing so, you let your husband off the hook. He should be the one constantly worrying, scheduling therapy, contacting the psychiatrist, and having serious talks with his son about the phone. Honestly, he should be writing to the advice column! Your role should be to support him, offer logistical and emotional help, and provide kindness and love to your stepson, who desperately needs it.
What is the role of the stepmother in the 21st century? What are stepmothers enduring? It’s often a thankless position, open to harsh judgment regardless of actions. But I hope stepmothers reading this (and girlfriends in similar situations) realize that loving someone and their children doesn’t mean taking over all parenting responsibilities and constantly being the “bad guy.” Stepdads certainly don’t expect their new spouses to do this! The only stepdad who wrote in wanted to escape his house entirely!
Stepmoms: give yourselves a break. Make your husbands step up. And yes, Drama, you both should hold firm until your stepson provides the phone passcode, and your husband should schedule family therapy, immediately. Effective care and feeding in blended families requires shared responsibility and clear roles.
—Dan
More Advice From Slate
I adopted my wonderful daughter at 1 year old. I’ve always been open about her adoption and answer her questions truthfully and age-appropriately. Recently, she insists, sometimes forcefully, that “I grew in your tummy” or that I breastfed her. I gently correct her, saying it isn’t true but that I am her mother forever. It doesn’t seem to help, and sometimes she gets upset. I feel I must correct her, but I don’t want to upset her. Should I stop correcting her and let her say what she says? Continue correcting her and hope it resolves? What should I do?
What should I do in this situation? Navigating adoption narratives is a delicate aspect of care and feeding, requiring sensitivity and consistent, loving communication.
